A Grave Misunderstanding
by McWhite
Summary: Hermione and Harry have a bit of a misunderstanding about each other's thoughts about harems. Luckily, they might just be able to clear things up before it is too late.
1. Story

_Hi :-) This is just a drabble that came to my mind when I read a story about Luna tricking Harry into having a harem and Hermione into joining it. Not that I mind that particular trope when it's funnily written. I just mean neutrally: that's where the drabble came from._

 _If you by accident found your way to this story and decide to try it, I hope you have fun :-) I certainly did :-p Harry Potter is not mine._

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"So let me see if I got all of that right." Harry said. Hermione nodded and looked down nervously.

"You found out Ginny, Luna and a couple of other girls want to create a harem for me."

"Yes."

"Without asking me first?"

"Yes."

"And you tried to convince them not to but failed?"

"Yes."

"And now you think they are going to stun me and enact a harem ritual without my permission?"

"Yes."

"Hermione? Can I ask you a question?"

"Of course." Hermione agreed.

"Why do you think I don't want a harem?"

"Because you are much too noble to ever accept being with more than one girl at the same time, obviously. Otherwise I would have started a harem for you years ago."

"You would've what?"

"Naturally. I dreamed about becoming your harem slave since first year, didn't you know?"

"How was I supposed to know that?"

"I dropped all the usual hints."

"There are 'usual hints' for that kind of thing?" Harry asked in wonder.

"Of course there are. What did you think I wanted to tell you by riding on a Hippogriff with you to save your godfather?"

"That's a 'usual hint' for wanting to be a harem slave?"

"Sure, just like going out with a famous quidditch star while loyally keeping all your secrets and pretending to be in love with your best friend. At least I can drop that charade now, I guess."

"I… see."

Hermione nodded. "Anyway, I'm sorry, but I don't see any way to stop the girls from stunning you and enacting the harem ritual. It's not like we can just make sure nobody randomly stuns you every second of the day. And that's not even taking into account that Tonks is an Auror and can turn into literally anybody to get close to you."

"Yes… about that…"

"So I think the best thing for you to do would be to allow me to join them. I could stun you right now and bring you to them. Then you could make me your head harem slave and I could make sure for you that none of the other girls go too crazy."

"Hermione?"

"I know it sounds crazy, but I really don't think we can do anything el…"

"Hermione, listen to me."

"Yes?" Hermione asked insecurely.

"I have no problem with having a harem."

"What!?" Hermione screeched.

"You do realise I'm a teenaged guy, right?"

"But you never dropped any of the typical 'I'm a teenaged guy, I want a harem'-hints."

"I hesitate to ask, but which ones are that?"

"You know, like drooling at groups of Veela?"

"Doesn't virtually every guy do that?"

"Indeed." Hermione gave Harry a meaningful look.

"Moving on," Harry decided, "I'm sorry, but I didn't know about the typical 'I'm a teenaged guy, I want a harem'-hints."

"You could've still just asked me to become your harem slave, you know?" Hermione sniffed.

"I didn't know anyone wanted to become my harem slave, much less you of all people."

"You are Harry Potter." Hermione pointed out. "And what do you mean by 'me of all people'?"

"You are the girl who wants to free all House Elves."

"That's different."

"How so?"

"They are House Elves."

"…"

"You wouldn't understand."

"Right." Harry frowned, but decided it wasn't worth pushing for an answer. "So about that harem?"

"You are really sure you want one?"

"Yup."

"Can we still do the 'stun you and perform the ritual without asking you'-bit?"

"Why?"

"That way, as punishment for not asking your permission, the ritual will enforce complete loyalty and obedience on us, giving us a constant urge to do everything we can to please you. I was so looking forward to that."

"What about the others?"

"The others?"

"Are they looking forward to that part as well?"

"Of course they are." Hermione answered in a voice that brooked no argument. "Why else do you think they want to create you a harem?"

"I just assumed it was the usual reason." Harry deadpanned.

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Honestly, Harry. If the girls simply wanted to annoy you, don't you think they would all just marry you and become your regular wives instead of going through all the trouble to become your harem slaves?"

Harry blinked a couple of times. "If you say so…" After a few of moments of thought, he shrugged his shoulders. "Well, if you're certain, then I guess in that case we can still do the 'stun me and perform the ritual without asking me'-bit."

"Good decision." Hermione congratulated and made a note in a booklet she produced out of nowhere, before looking back at Harry. "The ritual I wanted to suggest to the other girls would also give all of us girls magical power to rival Merlin and Morgana, physical strength and durability to make a tribe of giants go green with envy and instant magical animagus forms into which we can partially transform in order to fulfil all your dirty Monstergirl fantasies. Wait… you do have dirty Monstergirl fantasies, don't you?"

"I do now." Harry replied with a confident nod.

"Great." Hermione smiled brightly, making another note in her booklet. "And with a harem full of magically and physically completely overpowered girls, you should have no trouble winning the war against Voldemort. And getting the Ministry to finally give Sirius a trial. If you need political support, I can adjust the ritual a little bit to also make each of your girls start to emit an allure similar to that of a Veela. That should ensure we can convince just about anyone to vote for just about anything."

Harry again shrugged his shoulders. "Sure, why not. In for a penny in for a pound."

"Wonderful sentiment." Hermione agreed. She made a final note in her booklet before it vanished to wherever it came from. "Then there's only one more thing."

"Yes?"

"Can we make the other girls all jealous by you having me call you 'Master' while all the other girls have to continue to call you 'Harry'?"

"Err…" Harry had to take a moment to digest that request. After brief consideration, he simply shrugged his shoulders for the third time and gave his soon to be head harem slave a benevolent smile. "Of course. After all, you were the only one to care about my wishes."

"Yay." Hermione cheered and proceeded to stun Harry point blank.

Suffice to say that both Harry and Hermione had a very good day that day. And a very good night that night. And a very good morning the next morning. And a… well, you get the idea.

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 _Thanks for reading, I hope you don't consider this time we shared wasted. :-)  
_


	2. Omake - After the fact

_When copy-pasting to start a new fic-idea and have all the styles I usually use, I accidentally found this earlier attempt at "A Grave Misunderstanding". It's basically the same idea as the original, just that Hermione did not manage to warn Harry in time. I thought I'd just leave it here as an Omake, in case someone is interested._

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 **Omake - What if Hermione hadn't warned Harry in time?  
**

"So let me see if I got all of that right." Harry said. Hermione nodded and looked down nervously.

"You found out Ginny, Luna and a couple of other girls want to create a harem for me."

"Yes."

"Without asking me first?"

"Yes."

"And you tried to convince them not to but failed?"

"Yes."

"But you actually wanted to be in my harem, too, but never pursued it because you thought I would object?"

"Yes."

"And since you couldn't convince them not to, you tried to warn me. But they got to me first and stunned me, in order to do the harem ritual?"

"Yes."

"Therefore, you decided to join in as head-harem girl, so you could help me through this?"

"Yes."

"And because you all enacted the ritual without asking my permission first, in exchange you are all bound to be completely loyal and obedient to me?"

"Yes."

"And you are fine with that, too?"

"It's kind of a fantasy of mine."

"Right. And the ritual also gave all of you magical power to rival Merlin and Morgana, physical power and durability to make a whole tribe of giants green with envy and instant magical animagus forms?"

"Yes."

"And since you are my head harem girl, you will take over all the organising and such and I don't actually have to do a thing other than enjoy my harem girls'… presence?"

"Yes."

"So I basically now have a harem full of completely obedient, magically and physically overpowered girls who can turn into dangerous magical beasts at a moment's notice?"

"Yes."

"Hermione?"

"Yes?" Hermione kept her head down, awaiting the inevitable explosion. Harry would hate her forever for not finding a way to prevent the others from making him a harem. He was much too noble to ever accept being with more than one girl at the same time. Otherwise she would've made him a harem years ago.

"I love you."

"Huh?" Hermione looked up, blinking in surprise.

"I said I love you. I don't know why you thought I wouldn't want a harem full of the most beautiful girls in Hogwarts, but no matter. You are the greatest and most beautiful of them all."

"Err…" Hermione continued looking at Harry uncomprehendingly. "I don't understand what's happening."

Harry smiled at her brightly. "Not only did you join my harem, you also were the only one to try and respect my wishes."

It took a moment for Hermione to disentangle that web of questionable logic. "So you are happy about having a harem and happy about me wanting to prevent you from having a harem?" She finally wondered.

"Yes, exactly."

"That doesn't make any sense."

"I'm Harry Potter, I don't need to make sense."

"That's a fair point," Hermione had to admit, "but still…"

"Hermione?" Harry interrupted her.

"Yes?"

"Would you like to kiss?"

"Oh I only wanted to do that for five years."

"Then let's."

Hermione obeyed, though she was pretty sure it wasn't because of the obedience compulsion. Not that she had much time to contemplate it before all her brain capacity was absorbed by the most wonderful feeling she had ever had in her entire life.

When the kiss ended, Hermione was quite sure she was drooling.

"Hermione?"

"Yes?"

"How about we go look for the rest of my harem?"

"Okay…" Hermione agreed dreamily and followed after Harry. She didn't really understand what was happening, but she didn't care either. Though there was one thing that was bothering her a little. "Umm… Harry?"

"Yes?"

"Do you think we could kiss again before looking for the others?"

Instead of answering through words, Harry answered through actions. This was definitely the best day of Hermione's life.


End file.
